It’s been almost a year since I created a blog post. That is not a record I hoped to achieve, but the reality of life in a pandemic makes things challenging. So does battling depression, and that is where I continue to find myself.

Shortly after Easter 2021, I began to notice I was not okay. My attempts to relieve stress and burnout were little help. I tried my own efforts a little longer, after all, the pandemic, my wife’s intensive cancer treatment, and her recovery clearly led to stress. Add Christmas and Easter, year-end paperwork, and navigating ministry in the continuing health crisis, and it was easy to excuse my feelings.

I realized I needed help. I spoke with my doctor, who helped with medication, and I spoke with my counselor and began to work through my experiences, and wrestle through my struggle with uncertainty. The process was slow, and my doctor asked me to consult with a specialist. That was difficult; issues of stigma affected me. They still do. It was the right call, however. My new doctor was able to begin changing medications to deal with my depression and anxiety. We are still making changes, and it’s been a wild ride.

I discovered an amazing group of online friends who helped me through many dark moments. I was shocked how open I could be in that context and how much people cared. I also saw how many people were hurting in similar ways. Sadly, I also heard and witnessed people of faith condemning lack of faith for their emotional distress. There was harsh judgement, insulting statements, and a serious lack of love.

How were these words and actions supposed to help those who are suffering? How do they reflect the Jesus who, “had compassion on them all?” The answer to both questions is they didn’t. Self-righteous comments and empty holiness only have the power to cause harm. It is no wonder so many people want nothing to do with the church, and by extension, Jesus.

I continue to face some difficult questions about my faith and life. I know God exists because of personal experience. I know God is love for similar reasons. How and where that is expressed by those who call themselves Christian is a very different story. This is not my attack on Christians. It is a call to look at what we’ve become and ask if it looks anything like the One we claim to represent. I am asking myself the same questions.

I will continue to explore and ask hard questions. I will wrestle with my own healing, while hoping I can be part of healing others, or at least, supporting them as they seek healing. I feel like I can write again. I hope I can continue. I will get better and this dark night of the soul will pass, but I don’t want to lose sight of the insights I’ve gained. I don’t want to settle for a counterfeit version of faith. I don’t want to miss out on the beauty of compassion for myself and others. I don’t want a form of religion that denies the real power of Love.

My upcoming posts will likely be personal. I hope they will spark some necessary conversation. I learned a lot in a year and I hope that sharing part of my journey will encourage some who are on the same path, and enlighten those who are not. If you waited for my return, thank you. If you moved on, I understand. I believe great things are ahead. I hope you will continue to connect with me. Here’s to a new day!