Thank you all for your patience. Plans were turned upside down, which I will explain in this post. In order to explain, some specificity is needed. I’ve done my best not to ID anyone.

Tw/cw: depression, anxiety, religious struggle

I know, I disappeared. I had other plans, but depression and anxiety can change them quickly. On June 13th, I posted my last piece. The following day, I went to a therapy meeting that became much more than I expected. There was a lot to process and many things needed to be put on hold. Then the SCOTUS decisions and the Independence Day mass shootings made it difficult to write. Here’s the story.

My therapist is helping me find ways to put thoughts and feelings into a mental container so they don’t significantly affect me. I can keep them there until we meet and it is safe to unpack them. It was working very well, but I found that certain thoughts would not remain contained. That where our session started.

When I mentioned that some issues kept leaking out, she asked me to explain. There was one significant example, one I could not keep separate. It was a relatively insignificant situation at church, but it felt very personal, because it was. I felt I navigated it well, but found that I kept rehearsing it in my mind. I couldn’t let it go.

My therapist felt we should explore that and asked if I could go back to a time I felt something similar, maybe something when I was young. I tried to go back that far, but I couldn’t get past a significant example from a couple of decades ago. I’d already covered this in therapy at the time it happened, but some things were left unaddressed.

I was serving a difficult appointment. We were not necessarily a good match, but things happened that were very personal. We are asked to practice self-differentiation, realizing that what feels personal is really a part of the system. We use lots of good words and ideas, but we don’t really address what happens when it is personal and painful. We gloss over it and move on, or we put more weight on our clergy to handle things better. That fails frequently, but we never really address that.

In my situation, at that time, I had a member of the congregation who hated me. She didn’t like that I refused to do everything she thought I should. Her response was to begin spreading rumors about me throughout the community, then began repeated filing of made-up charges against me with the Bishop, lists of them. Each time, I would go through the investigative process and the claims would be found false.

I received an email from one of the members that said I should take a look at the prayer chain email, which was attached. It was a very specific group on that chain. That is when I discovered that the group was coordinating efforts to wear me out, or drive me out. Every email ended with the current status of removing Pastor Chuck.

One final example, because this could be a twenty-page summary. We adopted our three children from foster care, in this time period. They were 6, 8, and 10. Within the first six weeks of our adoption, one of the women pulled our three children aside in the kitchen and asked them, “What are you going to do when we stop paying your dad and there is no money for food?” Thankfully, my wife heard it on the way to find the kids. She handled it well, but there is no self-differentiation from someone who asks that of children who have come from a long journey of instability, and deep worries about starvation.

During this period, I asked to be reappointed, more than once. That was not granted. What I did receive was a pat on the back and encouragement to pray for them. I even spoke to my Bishop about my concerns. I was assured I was doing the right thing, to keep doing what I was doing, and not to worry, they had my back.

You can imagine my surprise when, a few months later, the Bishop asked me to step down and take a voluntary leave of absence to get some counseling. For non-United Methodists, if the Bishop put me on leave of absence, I would have tasks to fulfill and then I would be reappointed. If I take a voluntary leave, it can be indefinite and the Bishop is under no obligation to appoint me again. No one around me missed that this was a clear statement that I was very expendable.

I’d been going to counseling, and the short version is that those records proved enough to help me keep an appointment. I had a list of things that I needed to do to keep moving forward. The church—was asked to read a book.

My current therapist was visibly shaken with sadness and anger from my story. She said, “So, the people who were supposed to support and protect you, failed. They abandoned you.” Yes, that’s it. So, when a personal attack back in June occurred, it triggered an emotional response built upon those profound wounds of the past. My therapist cleared the next hour so that we could continue. She scheduled another session within a week and told me, “This time will be difficult. Feel free to disassociate if you need to, to get through.” We’ve fit several more sessions in, and I am beginning to find my way back.

While this wasn’t the post I originally intended to post, it is relevant. When we consider most illnesses, we expect things to get incrementally better. Depression and anxiety don’t track that way. Things can be okay until the right scab gets ripped off, and then they are not. It took all of my focus to accomplish what was necessary. I am still processing.

It’s clear that I am battling on a number of fronts and this experience fueled many of them. I must accept that I can only face so much at a time, and keep working on it. I admit that I currently wrestle, not with faith, but with church. I have some reasons. That said, the response of the church to the SCOTUS decision poured more fuel on the fire. It’s not where any one individual stands, but how the church is expressing the love of Christ. I can tell you, there are a lot of people who don’t see love. The Independence Day mass shootings amplified the lack of stability around us and pushes on the painful place of uncertainty in my life. It’s been a rough time.

This is not an easy quest, but it is mine nonetheless. I am glad I am not alone. Together, we move forward, and hopefully, we grow. Thank you tor taking the journey with me and for your prayers and support. Better things are ahead.