If you have ever been called upon to stand beside a good friend during the loss of someone they loved, then you know what an awesome gift and responsibility it is. As a pastor, I receive many opportunities to share this journey with members of my church family and others who need someone to help them through this challenging part of their journey. During these times, I am able to observe how people share their support with others.
Over the years I’ve seen some friends and family members be a tremendous source of strength and compassion. I’ve watched as they share God’s love in tangible ways that help those overcome with grief find courage and hope. It is a precious thing to touch someone’s life with these gifts.
I’ve also observed people trying to offer compassion and support actually make the experience more challenging. Sometimes, it is difficult to know what to do or say, and our best efforts seem to do more harm than good.
From what I’ve experienced, here are a few tips to help you be the compassionate source of strength you long to be
1. Watch what you say. Often, in our desperate attempt to be helpful, we succumb to the temptation to say anything that sounds good to us, but our words can bring more pain if we do not carefully weigh them first. Statements like, “He is in a better place,” and, “God needed her more,” sound like they would be comforting, but, in fact, they rarely are. The one grieving is typically thinking, “No, the best place for them to be is with me and how could God possibly need them more than I do. God can have anything he wants. I just want the person I love back with me.” If we really love and care about the person we are with, we will think about the impact of our words before we say them.
2. You don’t have all the answers. When someone we love begins asking, “Why?” instinctively, we want to give them an answer, something that will bring them some peace. The trouble is, we rarely have the answer. We simply do not know why things are the way they are and we cannot fully know the mind of God. The truth is, even if we did know the answer, chances are it would not be good enough. I’ve often shared that sentiment in the funeral service. I’ve asked, “what answer could I give to your questions of pain, that would be enough to make it go away?” There is no good answer to the “Why” question. All we can offer is our support and understanding while they work through their pain.
3. Your best gift is being there. You may not be able to answer difficult questions. You may not even know what to say, but you have the ability to offer exactly what is needed most – yourself. The most valuable thing you can offer is your presence, your tangible gift of support. You can demonstrate the support of God by simply being there, even if you wait in silence, or merely sit nearby. The fact that you care enough to be there will be more than enough support.
These are, in my opinion, the three most important things anyone should know when they are trying to minister grace in a time of grief. You want to bless those you care about. Be their friend. Let them grieve. Pray for them and be there for them. By these simple acts you can lend them your strength and help them find God’s strength to take the next step on a long journey.
Amen.